My Mother (1 June 1926 - 12 November 2007)

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

1st day of the 6th Moon (lunar month, Chinese calendar) in the year 1926, China. Mum was born. She was known as Lin Lui Jing. She has 3 older brothers, 1 older sister and 1 younger brother. She was the 5th among 6 siblings and everyone loved her very much.

At the age of 14 years, Mum's mother died of heart problem. Mum looked after her mother when she was sick as her elder sister had married and was not available.

Mum's paternal grandfather was a business man, owned a sundry shop. Mum's father was the 3rd among the 4 sons. There were no daughters. Mum said even though her father did not have proper academic qualification, he was good in cement work, in chiseling designs on furniture, coffins.

Mum's father was also good in the usage of herbs for a wide variety of sicknesses. Mum helped him to collect herbs but she did not record or remember what herbs were for what sickness. Mum's father also knew how to 'join' broken bones (sigh! this knowledge and technique were not learnt by his descendants) . He moved to Hongkong after Mum's mother died and eventually remarry a Hongkong lady, who also knew about herbal medicine. People would come to their house to buy herbal medicine that they have prepared.

Mum came from a rich family. Rich because there were farms and workers. Workers were hired to work in the farm only. They planted rice. The rice was for their own consumption, for their workers' consumption and the rest for donation to the poor. They planted tea for sale. They planted pineapples for its fruits (to sell) as well as for fabric (extracts from the fruits were being spanned into threads and thereafter woven into fabric). Other fruits planted for sale were Starfruits, Persimmon, Longans, Lycee, Bananas, etc. Life basically revolved around the farm.

The bulls & cows were reared to plough the field and for milk purposes only. As Buddhists, the bulls & cows are respected for their hard work and so they would not eat beef. Other animals on the farm were pigs, ducks, chickens, geese, rabbits and dogs.

Water were obtained from the wells and the mountains. Mum said it was so cool and refreshing to drink them. And it is clean too. You can drink them unboiled and not get sick with diarrhoea.

In Mum's young days, one did not have the freedom to choose one's spouse. A match-maker helped Mum's family to find a groom for her. 28th day of the 11th Moon in the year 1944, at Siak-hua, Ket-yeo, Kwangtung, China. Mum got married to Dad. Mum's face was shaved (smoothened) with a thread that was being pulled across the skin to clear away all the facial hair. They powdered her face and applied very red colour lipstick on her lips. She wore bright red costumes and a veil covered her face. She was seated on a sedan chair and carried, manually, to Dad's house.

Mum and Dad were the 3rd generation to marry in that particular house. Dad's paternal grandfather was married there. Next Dad's father was married there. After Dad left the house, Dad's younger brother was married there too and last but not least their youngest brother. They have all married in the same house and live in the same room for generations!! My youngest paternal uncle is still living there. And probably Dad's youngest brother's son has also been married there! *Note: I have visited this special humble house in August 1999. It is made of mud and cement.

How did Mum felt on her wedding day? She cried while they were dressing her up. She cried because she did not know who Dad was. Gosh! In those days, you don't get to see how your husband looked like until the wedding night. Mum cried also because she missed her mother on this turning point of her life. She was only 18 years old.

Mum was an intelligent and active girl. If there was a choice, she would like to choose her own husband, but in those days, you could not. And being an obedient daughter, she obliged to the customs.

It did not matter whether it was raining dogs and cats on that day and it did not matter whether you were sick, the wedding will proceed. And Mum was sick that day, probably the result of anxiety. When the sedan chair arrived to the front door of Dad's house, the sedan chair was lowered to the ground. Dad approached the sedan chair. Mum was on it but was invisible. The sedan chair was surrounded by curtains. Dad lifted the front curtain and Mum, with assistance, alighted from the sedan chair. Still veiled, Mum was then guided by a lady into the bedroom. She sat on the top of the bed. Her face was still covered with the veil. When the lady left, Mum lifted up the veil herself. Mum cried and cried when Dad came in to the room. She was frightened. Dad pitied her and did not touch her that night.

Being the eldest grandson, Dad was dearly loved by his paternal grandfather. When his paternal grandfather died, Dad's mother blamed Mum. Dad's mother said Mum brought bad luck to the family. A fortune-teller was called to look at Mum's palms . During those days, fortune-tellers were often sought for, to help people to deal with unexplained phenomena, etc. Luckily, Mum was read as 'lucky' or else she would probably be thrown out of the family. The fortune-teller said that Dad's family was blessed to have Mum as their daughter-in-law because Mum was a lucky person. The fortune-teller said that Dad was not as lucky (I wondered how my Dad's mother felt when she heard that). The fortune-teller said that Mum will lead the way for Father.

After my eldest sister, Monica, was born, Mum started going to school to learn to read and write, while Dad's mother looked after the baby. Initially Mum went to the night class. Mum was a strong willed person. When she made up her mind she wanted to do something, no one could stop her. One day (months before my eldest sister was born), Mum wanted to go and visit her eldest brother who had become the head of the family/siblings (Mum's father had moved to Hongkong) but Dad, for some reasons, did not want her to go, but she 'escaped' somehow.

2 months before my eldest Sister was born, Dad left for Thailand, where some of his father's relatives lived. Dad had ventured out of China to look for better prospect and wrote home to China asking for Mum to join him when he had settled down. Dad did not settle down in Thailand. He travelled to Singapore, Kuching and finally Miri, where he lived for more than 50 years and died there (5 September 2005).

My eldest sister was 5 years old when Dad called Mum to join him. Dad and Mum had not seen each other for 5 years!! Mum and my eldest sister travelled by ship to Singapore, where they were quarantined for 12 days, before they could proceed to Kuching. Mum was a charming woman. In Kuching, many men wanted to 'pursue' her even though they knew she was married, but Mum ignored them. Must honor the good family name "Lin" or "Lim" no matter what, or face the consequence of being shunned by her community.

In Malaysia, she was registered as Lim Boon Kun. In the old days (China), when you married a man, you are betrothed to him for life, whatever happened, even if your husband died a day after you were married. And you must remain in the husband's home with his family. You cannot return to your parents' or siblings' home, with or without child. Even if you were not in love with your husband!!!!!! Gosh! What if the wife died a day after she got married?

The Chinese surname must continue and thus the man could remarry again, in order for him to sow his seeds. Any man who is rich could have more than one wife and concubines.

Interesting......... there is an exception if the man died........ If the man's family is renown, they would have their daughter-in-law marry again....... And ........... children borned to their daughter-in-law and her new husband (who is not their son) will carry the surname of the deceased husband and not the existing husband!!!!!!

Mum had worked hard in China, even though she was a "princess" before she got married. In Malaysia, she continued to work hard. Apart from taking care of Dad and all of her children, and in order to help with the household income, she worked in the pepper garden, picking pepper seeds, in Kuching. In Miri, she has worked as a laundry maid for the Shell rest house (which is now the Miri Gymhana Club). She has worked as a housekeeper for the Lutong Machinda Club (which is now the Lutong Shell Club) sweeping/polishing the floors, cleaning the windows and pulling the weeds. She has worked from her own home, washing/ironing clothes for Shell employees.

Mum had worked as a confinement lady for 4 families. This was the one month after a woman has delivered her baby. In the old days and it is still being practised by some people today. The woman stayed in the house with her new born for at least 30 days. If the family could afford it, they would employ a woman just to look after the mother and the child. She has to boil and wash (in those days, by hand) the diapers, cook only meals that are classified as suitable for the mother and bath the baby.

The 'confinement' lady have to boil special herbal water for the 'mother' to bath. In some cases, she is paid to look after the whole family, to handle all the other household works, including washing/ironing, cleaning and cooking. Some 'confinement' lady were employed to live with family for the whole month and maybe allowed to visit her own family on Sundays. She might be asked to look after the new born baby at nights.

This is a busy month and only tough looking women are sought for to do this work. The pay is good and usually at the end of the period, you would get a bonus ('ang pow') which is on top of your pay!!

Mum cared for 3 babies, from 3 families. She had looked after each one of them from the time they were born till they were toddlers. Their parents would sent them to Mother's house and left them in her care during the working days.

Last but not least, Mum decided she wanted to be her own boss. She decided to operate a hawker stall outside a nearby kindergarten. She preserved fruits, made icipoles (drinks frozen in a long plastic about 6 inches long), fried noodles, fried rice, extracted/boiled beancurd milk. She did this for about 25 years before it was handed over to my youngest brother, Robert, and his wife, Caroline.

She taught me about respecting people, regardness of their races, their creed and their ages. Mum was mindful of the children who came to her hawker stall to buy things. Their ages ranged from 6-12 years. A 6 year child would hand her a 1 or 5 Ringgit note and Mum would ask her/him what she/he wanted. Mum would give the child the things because he/she could not reach the things on the shelves. Then Mum would place in their little hands the right change. Throughout the process Mum was kind to the child.

She taught me about being honest in all our dealings in work, business and people. My younger brothers and I have been canned because we were naughty, disobedient and 1 of us almost got sent into jail because we stole her money to buy sweets! She will not spare us the cane or the police, in order to get into our silly heads what is right and what is wrong!

People trusted Mum to look after their children and their families because she was very particular about cleanliness with the children, the food, the clothing, the floors, the house and the children getting enough rest and play time. Except for my younger brother, Joseph, who was afflicted with epilepsy, and our visits for vaccinations, we hardly go visit the clinic. Mum said the nurse made a remark about being impressed with our records in the clinic.

Mum learnt how to sew only after she got married, clothes for Dad, clothes for me and my sister and brothers. Initially, she sewed manually but later by machine. She knitted cardigans for the girls and jumpers for the boys.

Mum was enthusiastic about cooking when we were growing and at home . After savoring a dish at dinner function, she would tried her hands at home. If not, she would be steaming tapioca pudding, sponge cake, etc. We are always hungry because we played a lot.

Faith In God - Mum believes in Tua Pek Kong, in Goddess of Mercy and other divinities. She prayed to them diligently and I have seen her prayers answered. She taught me about being loyal to your God and trusting in Him. She believed in the freedom to choose and did not scold me when my sister and I embraced Christianity.

I was away from Mum when I went to Kuching Vocational School to study for a year in 1972 and then I was away from Mum when my own family moved to Kota Kinabalu for 5 years from 2000-2004.

I am grateful that Liew got transferred back to Miri in 2005. I am grateful that I was able to see my mother and be with her until May 2007. I am grateful that we went to Kuala Lumpur together in October 2005 and she got to visit with her grandchildren (Lian & Yean). I am grateful for the time that we just sat and play cards with another grandchild (Clinton).

Chinese New Year was my favourite Chinese festival. I am grateful for the many reunion dinners with her. I am grateful for the time that we just sat, joked, eat and play cards together with the rest of the family. Mum was good in cards!

I am grateful for the many afternoons when we sat together and she would relate to me about her past, answered my questions and I have been able to record them down. Today, I have put them together here to share her story with friends and loved ones.

Malaysia, Monday 12 November 2007 at 9:05 am (US, Sunday 11 November 2007 6:05pm), I received the saddest text message of my life from daughter Lian: Mum... Grandma just passed away....

It is interesting to note that 2 days prior to her passing, I had a strong desire to talk to Mum, on the landline.   Last I saw her was 5 September 2007, the day before I flew back to Arizona, US.    I asked my sister-in-law to hold the phone handset to her ear.   Mum could not speak but I would think she could hear as I tell her I love her and that I am fine in the US.   Mum was responsing to my voice!   I could hear her making some noises from her throat.

Mum, I am not able to walk with you on your last journey to your resting place come Malaysia Wednesday 14 November at about 2:00 pm. My body can't be there but my spirit is. I am thankful that my children, Lian and Yean, are there.

It is also interesting to note that Lian and Yean live in Kuala Lumpur, which is about 2 hrs flight away.  And they had come to Miri to visit the Mulu caves earlier in the week.  Lian is special to Mum.   Lian was her 1st grandchild.   Could my Mum had waited for the visit of Lian and Yean, before she decided to leave this mortal life?

I know I will always miss you, Mum, and I will cry even though I am older. I know you wouldn't want me to cry because you are not suffering and that you are with Dad, Joseph, your beloved parents, relatives and friends in the spirit world. I am thankful that your spirit have been released from your afflicted body.

In one year's time, I will do your temple work and I will be sealed to you for eternity.


Thursday, 19 November 2009

It has been over 2 years since Mum has passed away. I was just looking at some of my digital pictures and here are some of them.....

With one of her favourite past time - planting flowers, especially orchids. This was taken on the 15 March 2006, 4 months before she was stricken with brainstem infarct (stroke).


Mum - the 1st woman I met when I enter this world. And I gave her the 1st grandchild - Lian. This picture was taken at KLIA on the 27 October 2005


Clinton/Steven/Ah Huat/Ah Peng (he got so many names!) knows that Grandma loves him very much. I know he missed her. This picture was taken at Taman Selera (Brighton beach) on the 22 March 2006


Taken also, at Taman Selera on the 2 July 2005

A Year Older and A Year More Precious

Saturday, 10 November 2007

Calculated to be born on Saturday, the 31 October, many moons ago, but she decided otherwise.

When you want a baby you cannot wait to be pregnant. When you are pregnant after 6-8 months, you can't wait for the baby to come out! I was getting heavier as the days past and getting fed up being pregnant.

Being my first experience, I was already on maternity leave before the due date. Waiting game was on ! We waited. She waited!

She was getting too big for the cosy home because in the middle of the night of 9 November I started to bleed. It was only a little, a sign that the uterus had started to dilate. It would be many hours before the uterus was fully dilated for the baby to pass. But being a new mother and being ignorant about the signs, I was frightened so I packed my things and Liew sent me to the Lutong clinic. I could have return home and continue the waiting game but I was admitted since there was only 1 other expectant mother in the ward.

Tuesday, 10 November - Because I was 10 days overdue, the examining gynaecologist decided that I be put on drips mid afternoon, to induce labor. Sorry, Lian, high time for you to come out!

It was 7:50 at night when she got out into the world, weighing 3.3 kg and measuring 50 cm in length with a head circumference of 35 cm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIAN!

You are the first of the 3rd generation of our family in Malaysia. You are the first grandchild of your Ah Kong and Ah Ma, who had immigrated from China. You are their pearl.

Sorry Lian, Mummy & Papa were very late picking you after your Art class on a Saturday afternoon. You were frightened and you refused to go to that class anymore.

You are the first to graduate with a degree in the family as well. You showed your young brother and your younger cousins the way. You are beautiful, talented. You have a loving and good spirit. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. We love you.

My Brother Joseph (6 Nov 1956 - 24 Mar 1999)

Tuesday, 6 November 2007 

My younger brother Joseph Tan Shui Fah would be 51 years old if he is alive today 6 November. He was the 4th sibling in the family. 

Joseph was a handsome boy. He and I shared a close relationship. I guess it was because we were only 1 year apart in age. We hardly fight with each other. We shared common interests and talked to each other a lot. We both liked music. He liked to play his guitar and I would either listen to him or sing along while he played.  Joseph liked to give me bracelets and necklaces, which I have kept until now. 

Often, our Mother would reminisce, amusingly, what happened at one meal time. The whole family were eating together. I kept looking at Joseph, who was sitting across the table to me. Joseph looked back at me and asked "Why do you keep starring at me?". I had answered "You are handsome". Mother said we were in our early teens then. 

Joseph, Robert (our youngest brother) and I played together a lot inside and outside the home We climbed the trees, walked to the Lutong beach, walked to the Lutong cinema to see movies, etc. etc. 

Joseph had attacks of epilepsy when he was in his early teens until his mid 20's. Mum believed that Joseph's epilepsy was the result of a high fever when he was a toddler. Joseph could be sleeping in the middle of the night or socialising with friend in the public in the broad daylight - the attacks were unpredictable. Sometimes there wasn't any attack for months and sometimes there were a continuous bout of attacks. 

Mother would insert a spoon between, so that he wouldn't bite his tonque. Joseph went into unconsciousness when he had the attacks. Mother would pinched the nerves in his arms to wake him up. Mother tried whatever recommended by friends, to help Joseph to cure the ailment but all in vain. Some people said Joseph's disorder was a result of black magic, that someone had charmed him. Mother sought all the help she could find to break the spell but Joseph continued to have seizures. 

Medication from the hospital didn't help either. Joseph started seeing things that the rest of the family couldn't. It became so bad that he had to be hospitalised. Initially he was institutionalised at the Miri hospital and then transferred to the Kuching Psychiatric Centre. He stayed there until Jan/Feb 1999 when he so sick that he had to be admitted to the Kuching General hospital, where he passed away peacefully on the 24 March 1999. He was then 42 years old. 

Joseph had stayed at the Kuching Psychiatric Centre for more than 20 years. The rest of the family visited him there whenever we go to Kuching. He recognised all of us. On one occasion our mother and I took him out for a ride to the town with the intention to visit some places. 

Joseph was uncomfortable and irritated all the time in the taxi. He didn't like the ride. I think he couldn't stand the continual motion and noise of the taxi and all the other noises & sights of buildings and people outside. To him, the world was chaotic. He kept saying he wanted to go back to the Centre and so we took him back. It was very sad to see him like this, but there was nothing we could do. 

The Kuching Psychiatric Centre phoned our parents when Joseph was admitted to the Kuching General hospital. Our parents flew and visited him at the hospital. Kuching was 55 minutes Boeing flight from where my parents lived (Miri). 

Joseph died peacefully a day after our Mother returned to Miri. Mother said she was very sad and heartbroken to see Joseph. Mother loves Joseph very much. Mother said Joseph was a special son. Joseph liked to help Mother in the house with the house chores and to cook. Joseph knew how to slaughter a chicken, prepared all the ingredients to cook with the chicken to make curry, all by himself. None of the other siblings can. I was terrified of slaughtering a chicken until now. I have never slaughtered a chicken and this is one thing I don't intend even to try for the rest of my life. 

When Mother was recuperating at the hospital from an appendicitis operation. Joseph chose to stay by her side and he was at her side more than any of us (the other siblings). 

Mother told me that when she came back to Miri from Kuching, she prayed to God to take Joseph home to Him so that Joseph need not have to suffer any longer. The passing of Joseph was not a shock to her. She knew. She was prepared. She knew that God would take Joseph away. Her prayers were answered a few hours after her prayers were offered. 

Robert and I flew to Kuching to attend to Joseph funeral. The 3 of us grew up together and Joseph will always be in Robert's and my heart forever. 

I am thankful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful that Joseph's work has been performed in the Temple.